Cooking with Cluny!
by ferretWARLORD
Summary: Just a cooking show staring Cluny the Scourge and several other characters! Please read and reveiw! Is now rated: T
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! This is my first Redwall parody based off cooking! And its with Cluny the Scourge! I thought this would be hilarious so I decided to give it a shot. Please read and review this! ALSO, EXTREMELY IMPORTANT! THE BJ MEMORIAL COMPETITION IS BEING SET UP AND THE WORLD OF FANFICTION MUST KNOW! GO TO THE FORUM AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS STORY FOR MORE INFO. **

In a large room with a stage modified to be a kitchen, with a table/stove thingy in the middle, beasts of all sizes and shapes were there sitting in rows of seats. Woodlanders and vermin were there in the audience, regardless if they had died in the books. The hero's and villain were throwing insults at each other and making faces, the maids busy scolding random vermin horde members, and the random neutral characters just sat there waiting for the show to start.

Then the host of the show came out, his deadly tail twirling a spoon, sporting an eye patch. The large rat walked up to the table/stove and tapped the spoon on the table.

" Attention!" The beasts all stopped. " Thank you. Now I would like to start this show by-"

" Aren't you dead?" Veil Sixclaw piped up. Cluny looked at the ferret with a smile.

" Aren't you?" The ferret didn't respond, he was too busy sobbing into his adoptive mothers apron. The mouse maid stroked his head, and the ferret cried out loud,

" DADDY NEVER LOVED ME!" Swart Sixclaw rolled his eyes as the mouse maid glared at him angrily.

" Any who, me and my friend Cheesetheif," Cluny pointed at a rat who was shaking uncontrollably, fear plastered on his face. " Will now show you what will happen to you if you piss me off!"

The rats happy mood turned into hell as he roared and whipped out his scythe. He made a move to swing his weapon at the smaller rats head, the vermin cheering and urging him on, when a voice boomed from the intercoms.

" Whoa, Whoa, Whoa there! Don't go spilling any blood! I still need him!"

The rat sighed and sheathed his rapier. The vermin in the audience sighed as well. Cheesetheif fell on his back, unconscious. The warlord groaned and addressed the voice on the intercom.

" And _that _pain in my-"

" Watch the language now!" the voice interrupted.

" I mean _annoying _thing is my boss, who runs this entire show from his little room, is ferretWARLORD!" The vermin and woodlanders scratched their heads, looking confused.

" You have a weird name!" a unanimous beast yelled. There was silence from the intercom. Then the voice was back, a little annoyed.

" Yes, I guess I do, ha, ha…. Now how bout' we get on with the show?" Cluny nodded and continued his show.

" Now then, today I'm going to show you how to make…" The rat pulled a bowl out from under the counter. " Hot root soup!"

As soon as the word "hot" was spoken, skipper Warthorn was out of his seat and charging down to the stage, roaring madly with glee.

" YYYEEEESSSS! FREKIN HOT ROOT SOUP!"

Cluny screamed like a girl as the otter slammed into him, tearing the bowl from his grasp, sitting on the enraged warlord. The otter peered in the bowl and his ears drooped. skipper turned it upside down, shaking it. The otter looked down at the rat trapped beneath him, a tear rolling down his cheek.

" There's no soup…" The disappointed otter sobbed.

" That's because I haven't made it yet!" The rat shoved the otter off of himself, " Now will you please sit down and let me continue!"

The otter burst into tears and ran back to his crew, who started to pat him on the back and wipe his tears, trying to cheer him up. The rat moaned and picked up his bowl again.

In the control room where the entire show was run, a ferret with white fur and black foot paws sat in a large chair. His eyes, that were surrounded with black fur as well, looked pretty angry and frustrated. A weasel maid in a business suit came in through a back door, a phone in her paw.

" Mr. Warlord?"

" Yes?"

" Gulo the savage is at the front desk, asking if you'd let him in."

" NO! YOU TELL THE NO GOOD SAVAGE HE CAN'T COME IN!"

" But sir he brought his horde…"

" So? Don't _I _have a horde to?"

" Nope."

" Then get me a god damn horde this instant!"

" Yes sir!" The weasel maid ran off, calling to two squirrels. " Get on the internet this instant! We need to mail order some warriors!"

" And get me Rakkety Tam from the audience!" The ferret called after the maid.

_**I KNOW THIS ISN'T REALLY THE BEST COMEDY, BUT I'VE JUST BEEN DYING TO MAKE ONE. ANYWAYS, GIVE ME SOME GOOD REVIEWS PLEASE!**_

**ALSO, DON'T FORGET TO VISIT THE FORUM:**

_**ANNUAL BRIAN JACQUES MEMORIAL COMPETITION**_


	2. Chapter 2: Swarts day veiw!

**HEY GUYS! I DECIDED TO CONTINUE THIS ONE AFTER ALL! ENJOY!**

Last time, on Cooking With Cluny…. Nothing really happened, that is, nothing that had to do with cooking.

A ferret with a gauntlet on his six finger paw strutted onto the stage and up to the stove/table thingy. Swart Sixclaw was filling in for Cluny, who had spilled hot root pepper in his eyes and nose and was now in the emergency room, and was excited to start the show. With his back to the audience, who were oddly silent, and whirled around, announcing his show.

" Welcome my frie-" The ferrets smile shattered into a frown as he noticed the entire studio was empty. His happy mood exploded into his usual rage filled attitude as he into the empty stands, looking in vain for the missing beasts.

" WHERE IN THE NAME OF SIXCLAW IS THE AUDIENCE!" He roared, his gaze falling on a small mouse security guard who just entered, growling at him.

The mouse squeaked as the ferret grabbed him by the his shirt and slammed him into the wall, snarling in his face.

" WHERE." The ferrets face got more demonic with each word, his voice getting deeper and more evil, his eyes turning red. " ARE….MMYYYYY….. FFFFFFAAAAAAANNNNNSSSS!" The ferret roared "fans" so loudly that the mouse's whiskers flew off.

" Th-th-th-they all left." The mouse squeaked.

" WWWWWHHHYYYY?" The ferret roared again, shaking the mouse until his pants fell off. The ferret looked at the mouse's legs, and then at his fallen pants. " AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WHEREING PANTS? WERE FUCKING ANIMALS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

" Well ferretWARLORD says-"

" SCREW WHAT FERRETWARLORD SAYS! HE CAN GO- (_CENSORED CONTENT THAT SHOULDN'T BE VEIWED BY YOUNGER AUDIENCES_)AND WHEN HES DONE WITH HER, HE CAN KISS MY ( _MORE CENSORED CONTENT THAT REALLY SHOULDN'T BE EVEN SAID BY ADULTS_)" The ferret tossed the mouse away, who ran off to a small door to his left. The ferret shook with rage at the thought of his time at stardom, his time at showing people that under this face of pure rage is a delicate flower, had been ruined.

Meanwhile in the control room, the mouse guard stumbled into the room panting. The ferret turned to the mouse as he sat there gasping, cocking his head.

" Well? What is it?" The ferret asked.

" It's Swart, he's gone berserk cuz his audience isn't there." The was a blood curling scream and the long patrol battle cry was heard. " What was that?" the mouse asked.

" Well, Gulo wanted to be let into the show again, and I said no. He refused to leave so I wanted to mail order my own little horde. Well eBay says selling people is "unethical" so we couldn't. That's when it hit me, I had an entire army in the studio!"

The mouse cocked his head at the ferret.

" But isn't Gulo's horde this pathetic little group of seven cannibals."

The ferret grinned embarrassingly, turning to the computer.

" Ya see, that's the problem, when we defeated him, the woodlanders and vermin started to fight and soon there was this massive war going on." The mouse's eyes widened in fear. The ferrets face suddenly realized the severity of the situation. " Ah, that's a problem, isn't it?" The mouse nodded in reply.

**READ AND REVIEW! :D**


	3. Chapter 3: french toast

The lobby outside of the studio was utter chaos as woodlanders and vermin clashed. Badrang and Martin were wrestling on the ground, Veil was crying in the corner, the ferrets and the weasels were arguing over whose better, the hares were destroying the salad bar, the Redwallers were staring wide eyed at a picture of Jesus, and the badger were playing catch with the rats!

While the security guards were too busy trying get back control of the group they didn't notice an enraged Swart stomp over to the managers control room

The ferret himself was going completely mad. On every monitor in the room there was complete madness! The ferret finally just gave up with a sigh.

"Oh the hell with it!" The ferret strapped on a chest plate and a cloak, and grabbing to broad swords, decided to join in. The ferret turned around and headed for the door just as an axe blade slammed through the door.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" The ferret pressed his back against the wall as the axe was ripped out of the door, leaving a large gap. The insane ferret Swart poked his head through, grinning at the ferret.

"HEEEEERRRRRREEEESSS FUZZY!" The sable ferret let out a sigh and fell to the floor unconscious.

He awoke after a while and noticed He was in the studio and was strapped to a one of the seats. He struggled to get out of the chair and stopped when he heard someone laughing madly and the lights all flashed on, causing him to shut his eyes. When he opened them he noticed Swart behind the table/stove thingy. The ferret pulled out a pan, a carton of eggs, a loaf of bread, and some cinnamon.

"Guess what scrumptious thing were going tah make!" The ferret said cheerfully, his eye twitching a little. "Cuz I know yer gonna love it, cuz yer my fan! And my fans love everything I cook! Hehehehe!" The ferret's giggle turned into insane laughter as he turned on the stove, placing the pan over it.

The warlord cracked the eggs and put them in a bowl ( the fuck did a bowl come from?) and started to stir them into a fine gooey substance. Then he dipped his bread the goo and sprinkled some cinnamon on the bread. Then he gently place it in the pan. The gooey bread sizzled in the pan and Swart pulled out a spatula from his belt. He waited a while, letting his creation cook, then he flipped it.

When both sides were cooked he took it off the pan and put the cooked bread on a plate. Then grabbing a 20 gallon barrel of maple syrup( made by me of course, another little fun fact about myself) and poured the entire thing on the little slice of bread, syrup pouring everywhere, the manager going completely crazy.

"NOOO! Stop wasting it! You evil creature!" The ferret started sobbing as he saw the golden liquid flowing on the floor, making his foot paws all sticky.

When that was over, Swart held up his creation, and screamed out at the top of its lungs it name.

"FFFFFFRRRREEEEENNNCH!" The security guards finally busted through the door, charging down stage towards the ferret. "TOOOAAAASS-_**EEP!**_" The security guards tackled him to the ground, hand cuffing the laughing ferret.

**AND THAT WAS FOR QUAVERA TAVA, WHO SAID, AND I QUOTE: "As funny as it is, I think you should get to the actual cooking." IN HIS LAST REVIEW! SPEAKING OF REVIEWING, PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!**


	4. Chapter 4: The black out

On stage behind the table/stove thingy, a brown and white sable ferret stood there, a broad grin on his face.

"We apologize for the bad grammar and utter chaos in the last chapter and the lack of cooking in the first two, we here at wherever the hell we are will our best to put more cooking in the story." There was a loud _BOOM _and the lights went out. The ferret stood there in utter darkness, completely annoyed.

Meanwhile, at Redwall abbey, Skipper Ruark was watching _Cooking with Cluny_ on his flat screen in the gate house. The otter sighed as he watched the sable ferret apologize about grammar and cooking. _I don't even know what grammar is! Why don't they just get back to the chaos and funny stuff!_ There was a loud pounding at his door and he heard the mother abbess screaming at him.

"Skipper! There's vermin in the kitchens! Come beat the snot out of him so we can eat!" The otter was annoyed as the abbess yelled orders at him, too preoccupied with his show.

"Just a minute! I'm grabbing my javelin!" The otter looked around the room for a moment. "Oh! It appears I can't find it!" The otter went back to the TV. Then the screen went black and there was a loud and endless beeping noise. Then a message appeared on the screen saying "Please Stand By".

The otter looked at the screen with a confused look on his face. This look of confusion turned to sheer rage as he let out a loud roar and grabbed his javelin off the wall.

Globby was sleeping soundly on the kitchen table until an enraged skipper slammed through the wall, his face completely distorted with rage. The young stoat screamed like a girl in a horror movie about to be killed as the otter raised his javelin.

Meanwhile, back at the studio, a squirrel was looking at the fuse box in the basement. The sable ferret watched the squirrel go to work on the fuse box, and in no time at all the lights were back on!

Back in the studio, the audience was freaking out. There were sobs of fear from several beasts, others were crying, and several vermin beasts were screaming: "Oh no! Its hellsgates all over again!"

Then the lights turned on, and every beast sighed in relief. Zwilt the Shade went wide eyed as he noticed Buckler hugging him tightly, sobbing loudly. Patting the hares head, he whispered comfortingly to him.

"Come down now, it's over. It's over." The hare's eyes opened and he quickly shoved the ferret away from him, regaining his attitude.

"Well of course it's over! I was just making sure you're ok!"

Sunflash the Mace was cradling a crying Veil as he sang a lullaby to him. The ferret slowly stopped crying and closed his eyes, the badger's song slowly lulling him into sleep. The ferret finally fell asleep with a small smile on his face. Bryony ran over to the badger, obviously jealous.

"Hey! How come He loves you when he never loved me!" The badger shrugged at the confused mouse maid.

"I just have a way with children I guess."

The manager walked back on stage, and smiling, he continued his show.

Back at Redwall, nearly every inhabitant of the abbey cringed as they heard the noises coming from the kitchen.

"You're the reason my show didn't continue!"

_WACK!_

"I don't even know what your talking about!"

_WHAM!_

"You're the reason why my TV stopped working!"

_CRASH! SHATTER!_

"What are you even talking about!"

The chaos finally ended when the sounds of the otters show came back on and the sable ferret was seen trying to make a cake. Another hole was made in the wall as skipper slammed through it, cheerfully yelling as he ran back to the gate house.

"WWWOOOOHHHHOOOO!"

The inhabitants peered into the kitchen and all gasped as they saw the stoat, whimpering on the floor, covered in bruises and injuries. All around him the kitchen was completely demolished. One of the maids sighed to herself.

"I'll go get a mop!"


	5. Chapter 5: intervention

"Today we have some guest stars on are show today!" The ferret pointed to three beasts in the audience, two otters and a weasel. "Please give a warm welcome to Rinner, Rudder, and Skipper Bardwin!" The two otters, one a sleek female and the other a muscular otter with a scar on his cheek, stood up and bowed. The weasel stayed in his seat, not wanting to draw attention to himself.

The muscular skipper frowned at the weasel and yanked him to his feet, making the weasel squeak in surprise.

"Now don't be such a sourpuss and take a bow mate!" The weasel reluctantly bowed.

The audience made a poor excuse for a cheer and the three guests sat down sadly. The ferret noticed this and cheerfully said,

"Oh come on now! You can do better than that!" There was an annoyed silence from the audience. "Give a better cheer or I'll let Badger lord Manthril in here!" The audience let out a loud cheer and there was a: "Woohoo!" from one of the badger lords.

"Now that wasn't so hard, now was it?" The ferret cheekily said. Then he happily scuttled behind the table/stove thingy. "Now, will Rudder and Rinner please come up to the stage?" The weasel groaned as the female otter forcefully, and gleefully, dragged him onto stage.

"But I don't waaaannnnnaaaa!" The little brown weasel groaned.

"Oh come on now! It'll be good for our relationship to do things together!" The otter snapped back.

"It won't work out between us! I'm serious!" The otter didn't answer him. "JUST THINK WHAT THE CHILDREN WILL LOOK LIKE!"

"I have a_ wonderful_ idea of what the children will look like! A _beautiful _weasel otter! That's twice the damn cutness!" The otter responded, and she stopped dragging the weasel and looked at him with lustful eyes. "And when we get home, me and you are gonna have one hell of a time!" The entire audience either was chuckling or had a look of pity in their eyes as they watched as the otter finally got the weasel to the table/stove thingy.

The weasel grumble angrily to himself as the otter happily stood next to him, wrapping her arm around his shoulder. Then she turned to the ferret, winking at him.

"So hot stuff, what are we cookin'?" The ferret blushed and took a step back. The otter fluttered her eyelashes at him.

"W-w-well, I brought you up here today to talk to you two." The ferret looked at the otter with a serious look in his eyes. "It's about you and Rinner."

"W-what?" The otter stammered, a little confused. She hugged Rinner closer to her. The ferret continued.

"Skipper Bardwin told me about your affair," The ferret pointed to the skipper waving in the audience. Rudder glared daggers of hatred at the muscular otter. "And I need to tell you that it WON'T WORK OUT!" The ferret said the last three words rather loudly. And the weasel eventually wriggled out of her grasp, taking several steps away from her.

"He's right ya know! IT WON'T WORK OUT! Just think how awkward se-"

"Ah! Watch it! Don't get to sexual now! This is rated K+ and I can't let you talk about that!" The weasel was already angry that he was dragged out of Mossflower and into _this place_, and wasn't going to take any crap from a _ferret. _

"Well why not? If I wanna talk about sex and banging a maid I can! And another-" there was a small _blam _behind him and he fell into Rudders arms, a small dart sticking out of his neck. The ferret sighed to himself as the otter looked at him with hopeful eyes, smiling sexually at him.

"Go ahead, this intervention was a screw up anyway." The otter giggled and ran into a the janitors closet with the weasel, shoving a nude Slagar and Nightshade out, and slammed the door shut. There was a _click _as the door was locked. The entire audience stared at the two naked foxes, completely speechless.

Slagars mask was completely crooked, Nightshade's coat was slick with sweat, and they were both panting. The ferret sighed even louder.

"Sorry," Slagar explained, scratching the back of his head embarrassingly. "Me an Nightshade were having sex." The ferret finally just gave up on trying to keep this non sexual, walking in front of the audience he tore of his pants, screaming,

"YA KNOW, I REALLY DON'T GIVE (BEEP) WHAT THE (BEEP) WE DO ANY MORE! WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I THINK I JUST LOST MY MIND! HAHAHAHAHA!" The entire audience gasped and several maids fainted. The vermin burst into a fit of laughter as the ferret started running around the stage, cussing left and right, until two security guards tackled him to the ground.

_**I really have no comment on this one! And since some ones probably gonna bitch about the this one having no cooking, here ya go!**_

Bryony walks into a kitchen and gets an apple. Taking a knife she carefully cut it into six pieces. Sighing to herself she eats a slice.

"I just hope Veil will find it in his heart to love me." She then proceeds to walk back to the dorms with the apple slices. There was silence in the kitchen. Then veil stumbles out of one of the cabinets with a jar of wolfs bane.

"Like that'll ever happen!"


	6. Chapter 6: Job auditions!

In the studio where the ever so popular (or at least that's what the author says) show "Cooking with Cluny" is filmed, the stage was empty. The stage was dark and the rows of seats were completely empty of their usual inhabitants.

Nope, instead of causing mass chaos in the studio, that chaos was transferred to the lobby as the warriors, villains, grey characters, maids, and Veil-

"Hey!" Veil whined.

_Ahem_- were all lined up in front of the weasel maids desk, two of the managers most trusted creations sitting behind it.

Slagar walked up to the desk and sat down in the little plastic chair that was set up for the beasts auditioning for the role of the new "Show Host", since the last three are either horribly injured or just plain insane. Skipper Bardwin cracked his knuckles and smiled at the fox.

"Well now, tell us about yer self." The fox nodded and cleared his throat.

"Well... I'm good with kids, I have a friendly personality, a good sense of humor, and I can cook a pretty mean egg!" The fox smiled cheerily at the otter, who in turn asked him: "Can you cook anything else?"

The fox's eyes widened and he started to look around nervously.

"Well, uh, er..." The fox looked at the otter with an embarrassed look. "no."

The otter sighed and turned to his companion, Rinner, and whispered to him. The weasel nodded to the otter and turned to Slagar.

"Thank you for participating. We will contact you if you get the job. Please take a lolly pop on your way out." The weasel motioned towards a squirrel swaying and stumbling around with a jar of lolly pops in his paws, singing out loud to himself.

"OOOOHH! I'M THE SON OF A ROARIN' SHREW AND THE LOG BOAT IS THE HOME I CHOOSE!" The squirrel paused to giggle childishly and continued. "OH PULL ME BULLIES PULL! OH PULL ME BULLIES PULL!" The fox walked up to the squirrel and went to grab one put the squirrel yanked the jar out of his reach, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. Yanking Slagar over to his side he started to sing to the fox, loudly.

"OH I WAS BORN ON STORMY NIGHT-" Slagars fist connected with the squirrels jaw, knocking the drunk unconsious. Picking up the jar the fox selected a watermelon flavor lolly pop and popped it into his mouth, muttering to himself: "Hmm, watermelon..." and walked out of the lobby.

The weasel sighed to himself,

"They don't pay me enough for this job..."

"Next!" The otter called out.

The next beast to come up to them was a scrawny little fellow, a fox, with bright silver fur and god knows how many throwing knives strapped to his chest. The fox sat down and smiled a cocky smile at the weasel, who in turn muttered to himself, probably some more bad language. The otter elbowed the weasel and silently scolded him, addressing their next contestant.

"Well now, we haven't seen you here before. And you really don't look like-"

"Oh I snuck in." The fox said, cutting the otter off.

"Oh. Well whats yer name, and what can you do?" The fox sighed, obviously annoyed. The otter cocked his head, confused.

"Listen big fella, I'm not here for a job, I'm a critic. I review and rate things." The otter and weasel exchanged a confused clance at each other, not really knowing what a "critic" is. The fox sighed to himself again. "Oh my god I'm surrounded by a bunch of-" Before the fox could finish his sentence, the doors were kicked inward and everybody's favorite show host leaped in to the lobby, rage plastered on his cute, ferrety face.

"Oh no you don't! Theres no way I'm letting you host this show!" The sable ferret walked over to the silver fox, who in turn (I just keep using "who in turn" a lot, don't I?) smiled cheekily at the ferret.

"Oh come on now, don't look at me that way..." The fox said in a coaxing, smooth voice. This coaxing and smooth voice quickly and suddenly disappeared and was replaced with an evil, demonic one. "I SAID DON'T F(bleep)ING LOOK AT ME THAT WAY!" Snatching two of his throwing knives he tossed them at the sable ferret, who leaped to the side, the two knives embedding themselves in the wall just above Veil's head. The white ferret looked at the knives and fainted, slumping on top of Bryony, who in turn started crying happily.

"He does love me!" And started to stroke the ferrets head.

The fox roared with laughter as he started to toss his throwing knives so fast that you could basically call him a livng machine gun, the sable ferret screaming like a girl as he ran from side to side, the knives stabbing into the wall behind him. The heros and villians were both cowering like little kids under tables and behind chairs, crying for their mommies.

The ferret had a coffe table held in front of him as a sheild as the fox flung his knives at him. Knife after knife thunked into the table making a constant _wunkwunkwunkwunkwunkwunk-_ then the noise stopped. The ferret peered out from behind his wooden sheild and saw that the fox was completely out of knives!

Seizing the moment the ferret tossed away his knife feathered coffee table and ran at the fox full speed, tackling the fox to the ground he scrabbled for something to stab with blindly on the floor. His paws finally grabbed something and he stabbed downward with a banana. But the fox grabbed his paw and stopped the fruit, which was inches away from his face. Now it was a power struggle as the ferret tried to shove the banana in the foxes mouth, the fox trying to shove it back into the ferrets. They grunted and growled, wrestling on the floor with the banana, until the fox bit down on the banana and punched the ferret off of him.

The fox leaped to his feet as the ferret lunged at his throat, but he ducked down, the ferret flying over him, and delivered a kick in a place no beast should be kicked.

Thats when the horse literally exploded through the wall, running past the two ferrets and foxes and up to the desk, sitting down in the little plastic chair.

"I'm not to late, am I?" She pleaded, hope twinkling in her eye as she smiled, clicking her hoofs together. The fox stared at the horse for a while, the ferret too busy crattling his privates in pain to notice her, and Skipper Bardwin and Rinner slowly poked their heads from behind the desk.

"N-n-nope. Not at all." Skipper Bardwin said shakily, his weasel companion to scared to really say anything.

"Oh good! Cuz I would like to apply for a job as the new reporter!" The horse happily explained, swishing her mane back and fixing it so it looked better.

Both mustelids looked at the horse for a while, confused. The horse looked at them with a worried expression on her face, looking around she gasped.

"Oh! Cooking With Cluny! This isn't News with Noonvale! Pfft! Silly me!" The horse then ran out of the studio to the building just across the street.

**Well I'll tell you this chapter was by far the most entertaining one to type!**

**And I also had my first two guest stars! Ya! **

**The silver, knife throwing fox was Fong Wong 14, While the over happy and excited horse was FresianRoses! **

**Sorry if I didn't include you, FresianRoses, too much in the story, I will add you in other chapters! **

**Well, please read and review!**


	7. Chapter 7: Meh

The studio was dark and silent. The beasts who regularly occupied, and destroyed, the studio were all back in Mossflower- either recovering from severe shock or just bored of going. The only beast left in the studio was the sable ferret, ferret WARLORD, who sat in his little control room.

The ferret sighed and rubbed his eyes, groaning to himself. He had just got the news of his show and how it was doing in the mail. It wasn't doing good. Most beasts simply turned off the TV when it came on, shot themselves, or simply smashed their TV to bits. The only one who actually watched it was some random otter.

"Well, looks like it's time to tell the viewers!" The ferret groaned and typed on his computer. Pretty soon his face appeared on the screen, and he began to speak to whoever the hell was watching.

Skipper Ruark sat in the guard house as usual, staring blankly at the flat screen. It was almost time! Almost time for _his _show! His only source of joy was this, the only thing that under stood him was this, and the only thing he ever watched was this.

Then instead of the usual opening jingle with a cartoon Cluny popping up from behind the main title, a retarded smile on his face, he got the stupid manager of the said show. The otter watched as the ferret made his announcement.

"Hello my audience. Due to the lack of viewers and low ratings, and the fact that we basically have NO COOKING WHAT SO EVER, we have decided to end the show here. Well, uh, bye!" Then the screen went black, and a message appeared on the screen saying: "Please Stand By". And that's when the otter snapped.

On the abbey walls, Buckler the Blade Master and log a log Jango were busy staring blankly at the sable ferret as he roared up at them.

"I am Zwilt the Shade! By the end of this ere' fight, I'll be dancin' in yer inards!" The beasts on the wall tops laughed at the ferret.

"Well good luck tryin' tah get up here ferret face!" The abbey dwellers burst into laughter as the ferret stomped around, seething with rage as he literally exploded.

"Frishen, frashen, mother f(bleep)ing son of a (bleep)itch! Fricken Fracken (bleep)ing mice!" The ferret roared in sheer rage and started frothing at the mouth, grabbing a random horde member he tossed him over the wall.

Vilaya the Sable Quean watched the ferret stomp around, curses and swears pouring out of his mouth, her face completely blank and her eyes wide in shock. The horde to was shocked, the ferrets, stoats, weasels, and rats simply watching as the ferret started to chew into a tree.

The abbey beast watched as the ferret tore the tree out with his mouth and flung it, far, far, far out of sight. Log a log Jango watched as the ferret continued to storm around the path, still holding his ferret captive, Gripchun, at sword point.

"Uuh… leave this place and return-" The ferrets rage filled, burning eyes turned on the Gousim leader, growling.

"RETURN WHAAT!"

With the ferrets eyes boring into his own, striking his very soul, making his legs wobble, his vision went blurry, and…

Buckler sighed in disappointment as the shrew sighed and fainted, slumping to the floor. The ferret Gripchun looked around at the abbey beasts, not sure _what _to do, twiddling his thumbs nervously. That's when there was a loud explosion behind the ferret as the guard house exploded into little pieces, a massive mushroom cloud rising into the air.

The abbess looked at the mushroom cloud, a horrified look plastered onto her face as she clearly said,

"What in the name of f(bleep) is that?" Every beast gasped and stared at the abbess. "Uh, er, I mean- WHAT IN THE NAME OF _MARTIN _IS THAT!"

Then out from the smoke came the otter, skipper Ruark, charging down the wall steps and across the parade ground. The west wicker gate was knocked completely off its hinges as the otter slammed into it, roaring he charged at the horde, who immediately stepped to the side. The otter simply charged onward, towards the place where his show was filmed. Wisconsin! :D

**The next chapter will have guest stars**_** Eulaliaaa**_**, **_**Fong Wong 14**_**, and **_**FresianRoses**_**! **

**Also, I didn't write this chapter to bitch about no one reviewing, I typed it up because I thought it would be funny. **

**Please read and review!**


	8. Chapter 8: Eulaliaaa

FerretWARLORD slumped down in his chair, and sighed.

"Well, thats the end of me." The ferret pulled out a 2 liter thing of Orange Crush and a party size bag of Nacho flavored Doritos. "Now to pig out like theres no tomorrow!"

Cluny sat up in a large bed in the infirmary. Openning his eyes he realized that it was completely dark in the room, not a beast in sight.

"Huh, theres usually that annoying mousemaid bitching at me whenever I wake up." Getting onto his feet he walked out of the room and into the hallway. Yep, he thought, I'm alone. "Sigh, its just like my child hood."

The rat walked into the studio and that to, was completely dark and empty.

"Oh dear god I died again and I'm in hell!" The rat started whimpering. "And whats worse, Vulpuz choose _this_ as my punishment!" The rat was going to run off screaming when he heard an odd noise, coming from the managers office.

_Omnomnom! Glugluglugluglglug! Gulp! Sluurrp!_

The rats heart started racing as he slowly walked towards the door, his paw shaking as he reached for the handle. He could clearly hear some beast talking to himself.

"They think I'm just some scruffy ferret! They think I'm no fun!" The voice paused and there was a crunching noise and a gulping noise. "Ah! Well I'll show them!" The rat openned the door as quietly as possible and saw the sable ferret hunched over, his back turned towards him, making munching sounds.

"Uuuh... boss? You alri-" The rat squeaked in midsentence and jumped back as the ferrets head snapped around backwards. The ferret was sporting a crazy grin as the rat started to hyperventalate in sheer terror.

"Why YES, I'm just F(bleep)ING peachy!" The chair swivled around and their was a snapping sound as his head snapped back into place. "AND I'M GONNA EAT TILL I EXPLODE! OMNOMNOMNOM!" Bits and peices of Doritos went flying everywhere as the ferret started his feast again, pausing every now and then to drink a massive swig of his soda. The rat slowly inched his way out of the room and went stock still when the ferrets head shot up, his ears erect.

Oh no. No, no, no! The ferret thought, out of Doritos and soda!

"EEEEEERRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRGGG!" The ferret roared in fury. He sat up, growling and snorting, scanning the room. His eyes stopped on the rat and he smiled at him. "Why hello Cluny! Wanna join me fer dinner?"

Cluny stared at the ferret as he pulled out a massive battle axe.

Captain Euly smiled as he looked upon the studio where "Cooking With Cluny" was filmed.

"Well this ere' bally well place is really quite chipper and proper wot wot?" The hare was about to walk in but stopped when he heard a horrible scream come from with in the building. "Yep, this is it."

Kicking in the door the hare rolled in and behind the desk as silent as a mouse. Peeking over the counter he looked over at the managers office, sounds of yelling and fighting emminating from it. Inching closer to the seasoned warrior reached for the door handle but jumped back as the head of an axe was slammed through it.

"Mother of f(bleep)ing jesus- er, uh, I mean _Martin_!" The hare whipped out his sabre and dirk, getting into a fighting stance. The axe was yanked back, literally tearing the door off its hinges, revealing a crazy, wild eyed ferret. The ferret let out a horrible ungodly screech and charged at the hare, swinging his axe as if to cleave the captains head off.

But the hare ducked down at the last second, the axe inches away from his ear tips, and sent a kick straight at the ferrets face, but the ferrets paw shot out and grabbed his footpaw. Tossing his axe away with one paw and twisting the hare's footpaw with the other, the ferret lunged at the hare as he fell to the ground.

But the hare sent his foot paw flying at the ferret, this time in a different place.

_WUNK!_

The hare let out a loud yelp of surprise and pain as he grasped his footpaw, hopping around on one foot.

"Haha! Your silly kicks to the groin are no match for my steel cup!" The ferret knocked on the steel cup he had covering his privates(not that anyone could see them, what with having a fur coat and all- but it was a good choice after the last chapter!) and smiled cheekily. Captain Euly simply growled and tossed his dirk at the ferret, who simply twitched his head to the side, the dirk thudding into the wall.

"Ha! Yer aim-" The ferret was stopped in mid sentence by an enraged hare tackling into him, knocking them both to the ground. Euly reached for something blindly on the floor to stab with, and grabbed a banana. Stabbing down with all of his might he rammed the banana into the ferrets mouth.

"MMMMFFF!" The ferrets scream was muffled by the fruit, and he tried to spit it out, but the hare started to make him chew it up.

"Come now you cheeky little blighter! Chew this confounded thing up an-" The hare got a face full of gooey banana as the ferret spat it out, making the captain stumble off him. The ferret shivered all over and coughed and sputtered.

"BBBLLLLAAAAACKK! I hate fruit!" The hare wiped his face off, annoyed and disgusted by the annoying mustelid.

"Now look here you! Bananas are- EEEEEWWWW! Did you get some of this damn muck in my bally ear?- bananas are good in potassium, which is good for any beasts diet!" The ferret simply stuck out his tongue mockingly at the hares back, stopping when the hare turned around.

"Well I'll have you know that I am a carnivore!" The ferret pointed to a traumatized Cluny shivering in the corner, "And I was just about to have lunch!" The ferret retorted.

"Well Brian Jacques wouldn't like it that you _ate _another beast!" The hare yelled back at the ferret.

"Well Brian Jacques can go kiss my-" The ferret was cut off as the roof of the studio literally exploded, chunks flying everywhere, leaving a large hole in the ceiling. And none other than the great Scottsman himself, the creator of Redwall, the one who never failed to give us an awesome story, was there. Brian Jacques. Floating down in a beam of light, the author lightly landed on the floor, staring at the ferret, who was in complete awe.

"Y- YYY-YYYYO- YY-" The ferret stuttered, trying to form words.

"Your." Brian finished for him.

"...Brian Jacques!" The ferret squealed, waving his paws around excitedly. Captain Euly sheathed his sword and knelt down on the floor, looking up in awe as well, but in a more respectful manner. "OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU-" The ferret was cut off as the author delivered a devastating punch to his jaw, sending him flying into a wall, half way through, his rear end sticking out.

The author turned to the hare and nodded respectively to him, and floated back up with the beam of light and back to heaven, where he now calls home.

The hare walked over to the ferrets reared end jutting out of the wall, sighing in annoyance and pity.

"Wow. Your first real look of the author of Redwall is a knuckle sandwich to the face..."

The hares ears perked up as he heard the door creak open, and whirled around, unsheathing his sabre. The silver fox yelped and leaped behind the counter, popping back up with two dagger out and ready for a fight.

"Hey." The fox said to the hare, and looking over the hares shoulder and at the ferrets butt, he remarked, "_Daaaaamn! _What did you do to the poor guy?"

_**I am **__**terribly sorry about not including Fong Wong 14 too much and not including FresianRoses too much either, and to make it up, I'll give her an entire chapter! Just like Fong Wong got an entire one, Eulaliaaa Got one, and now she'll get one! **_

_**Please and Read and Review!  
><strong>_


	9. Chapter 9: FresainRoses part 1

The dagger throwing fox and the long patrol captain both sat together at the only table left, resting. Both of the beasts were too tired to even attempt to get the manager out of the wall, who was wriggling and flailing his legs around, screaming at the top of his lungs. The ferrets screaming finally got to the hare, who kicked at the wall near him, yelling,

"Oh shut it!" The hare paused for a second, "Wot! Wot!"

The silver fox groaned, clutching his stomach. He had gone to long without having a Pepsi (don't ask me, ask fong wong about it), and his stomach was showing it. Captain Euly started to back slowly away from the fox as he started shaking and growling, foam frothing from his mouth. The ferret could here the noises from with in the wall, and he stopped flailing his legs.

"Uuuuh... whats that?" He asked, and the hare shakily replied,

"Well, uh, this bally foxy here is coming down with a sudden case of rabbies or something!" The hare paused for a second, "Wot! Wot!"

"Oh god..." The ferret went silent for a while, "Could you go into the kitchen and get a Pepsi, like, RIGHT F(bleep)ING NOW!" The fox fell to the floor, foaming spilling from his mouth as he started to twitch, garbled nonsense coming from him.

"Gerrrrrrggergulllaaarg!" Then the fox flopped down onto the floor, and was silent.

"Uuh, hello? You ok?" Then the fox leaped onto his feet and let out a horrible screech, his paws latching onto the ferrets feet, yanking him out of the wall. The ferret screamed at the top of his lungs as the fox flung him through the double doors and onto the stage.

"!"

_CRAAAASH! SHATTER! TINKLE! TINKLE! SMASH! SNAP! BOOOOOOOOM!_

**_MEANWHILE..._**

At "News With Noonvale", the horse (which I guess we can call Fresia, or something...), had just gotten herself a job as the reporter woman! Or reporter horse, if you wanna be that way! And was-

**"Hey!" Fong Wong 14 whined to the author. **

**"What?" ferretWARLORD asked, turning to the irate reviewer. Fong Wong pointed to the computer screen. **

**"Ugh! I'll give you a name to! Will that make you happy?" Before Fong Wong could even answer, the door was kicked inward and Eulaliaaaa runs into the room****. **

**"What the hell do you wanna name for? You already have a name in my story!" ferretWARLORD yelled at the author, who in turn crossed his arms and tapped his foot. The author still didn't under stand what his angry friend wanted. Sighing the author whipped out his double edged sabre, twirling it expertly. **

**"Yes, I know that perfectly well, but instead of my character talking and using his fists, I want more swish! Stab! Slash! Swishy action!" ferretWARLORD quickly snatched the sabre and tossed it out the window. **

**"Ok, ok, no need to cut up my room!" The author said, and then continued to type on his computer...**

And was being assigned her first assignment! The horse happily clacked her hooves together as Rose walked over to the table where she was seated. Taking a seat on the opposite side the mouse maid cleared her throat.

"Well Miss Fresia, I took a look at your papers and I think I found an excellent job for you!" The mouse flipped a switch on the wall and a window openned up in the wall, showing the studio on the other side of the street. "Are you familiar with are neighbors, the people in that studio? Well-"

"Actually, there not humans, none of us are!" The horse cut in, smiling. Her smile immediately died as Rose fixed her with an icey cold glare. "Sorry." She quickly muttered, staring at the floor.

"Well I need you to get into the studio and find some dirt on them!" The horse nodded in agreement, and walked out of the room.

_**BACK AT THE STUDIO...**_

"Now, now, uuuh... whats yer name?" The ferret said, trying to calm down the fox, but that only made him even more angry.

"MY NAME IS ALEX!" The fox roared, tossing a chair at the ferret, who-

_**The author suddenly stopped typing. **_

_**"Well? What is it? Why'd you stop?" Eulalia asked, worried. **_

_**"Ya! I was about to give you a beat down! Again!" Fong Wong said, rather annoyed that the author had stopped. ferretWARLORD suddenly snapped out of his trance, a sudden realization coming to him. **_

_**"Aw F(bleep)! This is supposed to be FresianRoses chapter! Not yours!" A button suddenly rose out of the authors desk, a red flashy kind of button that just asks you to press it, and slams his fist down onto it. The button made an audible "BLEEP" and the floor disappears from under Fong Wong and Eulalia's feet. The two fell down into the pit, each of them saying one last, quick, defiant thing:**_

_**"Long live the long paaaatrrrooool!"**_

_**"I still think The Squirrel And The Monster is a rip oooooffff!" **_

_**Then the author presses another button under his desk, and "POOF" there was FresianRoses!**_

_**The authors both wave at each other and ferretWARLORD continues to type on his computer. **_

The sable ferret got up, holding his aching back. Looking around he realized that the silver psycho fox and the long patrol captain were no where in sight.

"Are they...really gone?" The ferret started to cry in sheer joy. "Yes! I'm finally rid of-" There was a loud snapping noise and the non other then Fresia fell from the ceiling, holding a camera in her hooves despite the fact that its physically impossible for a horse to hold a camera, and lands right in front of the poor ferret.

"Uuuuh... Hi?" He said, rather confused. The horse immediately scrambles to her feet, and aiming her camera at the mustelid, snapped a picture. The flash from the camera immediately blinded the ferret, who cursed and stumbled back.

"AAAG! I'M BLIND! OH SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS THAT HURTS!"

"Don't you mean Mar-" The horse tried to correct him, but the mustelid simply screamed even louder.

"NO I DO NOT!" And started to wriggled around on the floor, "MOTHER F(bleep) That hurts!"

The mustelid eventually gained his ability to see again, and was busy rubbing his eyes when the horse walked up to him again.

"Well, I was sent here to get dirt on you, or something. So..." The horses eyes started gleaming, "Can I interveiw you?"

The ferret groaned.

"Sure..."

"Okay! First question!" The horse whipped out a notepad and flipped through it. "Why did you start this show?"

"Meh, got bored." The ferret casually answered.

"Hmmm, intresting... Okay, second question, were you involved in any warlords army or horde?"

"Uuuuh... do gangs of assassins count?" The ferret asked with a nervous smile.

"Uh-huh. Well, third question! Do you veiw yourself as a good author?"

"No, I'm a stinky poop head with nothing to live for and I should-

**"Hey!" ferretWARLORD yelled as he walked back in from the bathroom. FresianRoses giggled and dodged the authors fist, who growled at the author. "Freggin little- eeerrr..." Pressing the back space bar several times, he got rid of what his guest had put in, and continued to type.**


	10. Chapter 10: VREL!

A ferret was scrubbing away at a large window on the back porch of a lodge. Scrubbing away furiously he finally gave up trying to remove a smudge and after taking a squeegee to that window, he went to the next one.

"Yep. This is how I wanna spend my whole summer! Workin' at this hell hole of a lodge!" He yelled rather loudly, and he got a response from inside the lodge.

"Ahem, what was that ferret?"

"Nothing." Was the quick reply from the mustelid, who began to work harder and quicker. And he was on the last window when a spot light was shined on him, which was pointless because it was sunny out, so he didn't even notice.

The pilot, a brown squirrel, cursed to itself and put the helicopter that was above the ferret (who hadn't really noticed him yet) in hover and went into the back. Attaching a rope to its waist he cooly slid down the rope, dropping onto the ground he stared blankly at the ferret, who was _still washing the window. _

Growling he tapped on the ferrets shoulder, who turned around and stared at the squirrel.

"Well," The squirrel said smiling deviously. "_This _is what you've been doing instead of including me in your parody eh?" The ferret suddenly knew who this squirrel was.

"Whoa! Whoa! Now Vrel-"

"I F***ING REVEIWED EVERY DAMN CHAPTER IN A WEASEL TALE IN MOSSFLOWER, AND I EXPECT A CAMEO!" Lord Vrel screamed in the ferrets face, jabbing a finger in his chest, who simply cowered and whimpered as the squirrel continued to yell at him. "AND ANOTHER THING-"

Before the squirrel could even finish the ferret flung a bucket of suds and water at the squirrel, screaming,

"EAT SUDS!" But the squirrel simply karate chopped the bucket in two, a smug smile on his face. The ferret simply screamed as the squirrel grabbed him, placing a finger to the ferrets lips, he shushed him.

"Sssshhhhhhhh... You can't escape me." The squirrel whispered.

"W-why?" Came the choked reply from the ferret.

"Cause I'm awesome." The squirrel whispered, winking at the ferret. "Now why don't we go visit your famous studio?"

"Ok. I was getting bored of working anyway." The ferret casually said, then asking, "How the hell did you even chop a bucket in half with you bare paw any how?"

"Meh. Like I said I'm awesome!" The squirrel said with a laugh.

**Lat**er...

The silver dagger throwing fox was sitting in a card board box in a slump, nursing on a bottle of booze(screw ctober ale). Suddenly the fox and his little box (lol dat rhymes!) went flying backwards as a helicopter landed next to the ally he was sleeping in. A ferret leaped out and ran over to the fox, who was now pleading for his life.

"OH GOD PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I DIDN'T MEAN TO TAKE IT! I WAS JUST SO ADDICTED TO-"

"Dude. Shut the f(bleep) up and get in the chopper."

"Wh-"

"Dammit I'm giving you a job!"

"Yay!" The fox scrambled to his feet and ran to the chopper, flailing his arms around happily. Thats when he saw the brown squirrel Vrel in the pilots seat, who smiled and waved at him.

"Who the f(bleep) is this guy!?" The fox said, pointing to the pilot and whining to the ferret.

"Oh god just shut up and strap in!" The fox simply crossed his arms, grumbling to himself.

**Even later**

At the famous studio where "Cooking With Cluny" was filmed, there was a helicopter parked in the parking lot, of course parked on top of a van that had "Cluny Rules" painted on the side. Redfang and Cheesetheif were both staring at the crushed van that was beneath the chopper. There was a yell from a nearby mens restroom. It was Cluny's voice.

"Redfang! Cheesetheif! What was that racket!" Redfang and Cheesetheif just stared at each other. "Well then I'll just see for my self!"

The was a sound of a toilet being flushed, and Redfang and Cheesetheif both "meeped" simultaneously.

Meanwhile, inside the studio, the three beasts all looked around at the biulding, which was completely empty.

"Well, this is a dump." Vrel said, looking at the torn wall paper, the hole in the wall and ceiling, and lastly at the control room- which was completely ransacked by the flitcheye, a flitcheyan spear lodged in the chair where the ferret sat. Painted on the wall where the monitors used to be was: "Flitch bitch".

"Yep." The fox and the ferret said, both shaking the heads in disappointment.

"Well," Vrel said with an air of cheery cheerfulness, "Lets get to work."

**One epic building montage later...**

"Now," The ferret said, sitting in his new control room, "All we have to do is get an audience!"

The squirrel Vrel sat behind the table stove thingy, clapping his paws together, pacing back and forth, getting himself pumped up for the up coming show starring himself. Ok, The squirrel thought, your a machine! Yer an _awesome _machine! Yeah! No ones gonna get you down!

"WOOOOOOOO!" The squirrel cheered at the top of his lungs, "LETS DO THIS!"

The squirrel was stopped from celebrating when the speaked on the ceiling came on with a loud whining "beep".

"Uh, hello? Is this thing on? Testing! Testing! Well I thought I'd like to inform you that I have no Idea how to get an audience and- AAAAAAAUUUUUGH!" There was a loud splintering smash and a horrible roar over the speaker. The ferret started whimpering as the thing that had broken in was snorting and growling loudly. The thing started to yell at the ferret.

"RRROOOOAAARG! WHY AREN'T YOU CONTINUING THIS!?"

"What are you-" _whack! _"Ow!"

"SHUT UP! NOW YOUR GONNA CONTINUE THIS!"

"Who are you!"

"SKIPPER ROURK! YOUR BIGGEST FAN!"

There was a rustling noise.

"NOW GIVE ME A KISS!"

"**What?!**"

Thats when the speak turned off with a "beep". Vrel shook his head in disappointment and pity.

**Well out of popular demand, I give you the next chapter in Cooking With Cluny! And now you know that I haven't forgotten about Skipper Rourk! :D **

**Please Read and Review! Oh yeah and Lord Vrel's in this...**


	11. Chapter 11: Madness

Lord Vrel watched as Skipper Rourk came out of the managers control room, hugging a ferret close to him. He had a twitchy eye as he looked at the squirrel with the look of a mad man.

"H-hello-o-o sq-sq-squirrel. This is my knew pet!" The otter held out the passed out ferret, who was as limp as a rag doll. "I'm afraid he went sleepy weepy and won't be ready for the show! BUT I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM!"

The otter wrapped his arms around the ferret again, rubbing cheeks with him.

"My own likkle ferret! Bahaha! Hahahahaha!"

Kegusaran walked in on the little scene but stopped when he saw the otter cuddling the ferret, and slowly backed out, closing the door as quietly as possible behind him, not wanting to be involved. Vrel face palmed as the otter ran off with his friend, slamming the door to the control room and locking it.

"Oh boy. Were in the hands of someone crazier than Ferret." The squirrel groaned as the intercom came on and the otter was heard speaking to them.

"Hi everybody! Todays show is-" There was the sound of the door being kicked in, again, and there was a loud _WA-THWACK _and a thud as some one hit the floor. Seconds later Kegusaran was heard on the intercom. "Ok. I took care of him. Now we can get back on track."

**Later...**

Beasts of all sizes and ages were once again, to their dismay and discomfort, forced to take part in the not so popular show "Cooking With Cluny", and with everyones favorite ferret, Ferret!

"Hello and welcome back to "Cooking With Cluny"! I'm your host, Ferret!" A squirrel popped up next to him, a cheerful smile on his face.

"And I'm Vrel!" They both shook hands happily, both of them muttering death threats to each other.

"And today were going to discuss a serious matter. It has come to my attention that most of you Salamanderashtray hares want me-" A spear flew from the "Hares" section of the audience, and the ferrets head twitched to the side, making the spear miss its intended victim and stab into an unlucky back stage otter. "-dead."

"Yer damn right wot!" Basil Stag hare yelled from the audience, and several hares yelled in agreement.

"Yes, most of you are quite angry and peeved that I smeared the name of Salamandastron and your badger leaders," Several Badger Lords growled at the ferret, "And want to rip me limb from limb."

"So I've decided to redecorate the entire mountain of Salamandastron, give it a new paint job, and throw in some TV's." The badgers and hares were speechless. So speechless in fact that there was an awkward silence for a good thirty seconds, both the ferret and the squirrel shuffled their feetpaws.

"Uuuh... surprise!" The ferret said gleefully, waving his arms around, trying to get a reaction. And boy did he. There was an uproar of cheering and the ferret was grabbed by one of the badgers and hugged until his ferrety spine couldn't take it no longer, and then his paw was shook so much by happy hares that he promised he would stab a beast if he heard "wot wot" one more time.

After that whole happy fest was over both of the host spread their arms akimbo, saying,

"And now we give you "Cooking With Cluny!" A curtain rose and the two both ran off stage as Cluny swaggered behind the table/stove thingy, a wooden spoon in his paw. He sat their for a moment, then yelled,

"CHEESETHEIF! GET YOUR SCRAWNY AND SEXY- ER- I MEAN WEAK ARSE IN HERE!" Cheesetheif scurried on stage and did a salute, and Cluny ordered him to get him a large bowl, flour, milk, salt, and the other things you need to make a cake. And as the rat dug around the utensils, his butt sticking out of the cabinet, Cluny grinned and stared, but stopped as he noticed the crowd watching. "Uh, _Ahem! _Yes, today were making a cake! And will be sharing it with all of you wonderful beasts!"

"Aren't you dead?" Veil spoke up from the audience, and cluny groaned as he noticed it was him who said it.

"Are we goin' to start this sh(bleep) again? I'm serious if I have to-" A loud explosion blew a hole in the wall next to him, sending him flying back, and an otter, a drunk looking stoat, and sexy weasel maid ran in.

"HI! Were all in this story to!" All three of them pulled out numerous modern weapons and started shooting off rounds, screaming and creating a massive din as villains and heros all dived for cover as the stands were blown into chunks.

In the control room, Ferret and Vrel both watched as the three sprayed rounds into the walls, not even aiming at the woodlanders and vermin really, just wasting bullets. One of them, a stoat, noticed the camera and waved. Ferret knew this beast.

"Hiya! Guess what? We used your money to buy these!"

Vrel started to laugh at the ferret as he groaned and face palmed and slumped down in his chair, but stopped as the sexy weasel mentioned him.

"Oh yeah, and Vrel," The squirrel heard a distant explosion. "Yer choppers f(bleeped)."

"NOOOO! THAT WAS A RENTAL!" The squirrel seemed to pulled the dual broad swords out of his ass as he ran down the hallway, screaming, "You'll f(bleep)ing pay for that! LITERALLY!"

Ferret heard several _swishes _and _thwacks _and screams of pain as the squirrel laid waste to the three, and there was the rattle of machine gun fire and an explosion. Later, Vrel came back. One of his swords were busted clean in two and he had a rudder like tail in his other paw. He coughed out a puff of smoke as Ferret noticed his ash covered face.

"Ugh." The squirrel muttered as he flopped face first to the ground, and seconds later a grumbling otter stomped in, missing a rudder like tail. Snatching his tail from the squirrel he stomped out.

**And now I give you what you've all been bitching fooor Cooking Wif Cluny! Staring of course Vrel, Kegusaran 14 for like a paragraph, Lustig as the drunken stoat, SpiderMilkshake as the sexy weasel maid (wink wink), and Weirdone17 as the otter who got his tail ripped off! Hope you enjoyed!**


	12. Chapter 12: more madness, and the end

"CHHHEEESSSE THHHEEEEIIIF!" Cluny yelled, flailing his arms around madly like a little dibbun as he whined, "I WWWAAAANNT MYYYY SSHOOOOOW BBBAAAACK!"

Cheesetheif came running up to his mate- I mean commander- and grabbed his paw, stroking it.

"Its ok chief, calm down, caaalm down…" The rat warlord eventually calmed down, still sniffling, "See? Now whats the problem?"

"Th-th-they took m-my sh-shoooow!" The rat whined, pointing a finger at the five beasts as they drank to the revival of the show, one of them trying to sew his tail back on. "AND I WAN IT BAAAACK!"

Once again the rat started crying and whining, flailing his arms around, and he was about to complain and bitch again when the door was kicked in, a six pawed ferret silhouetted against the light.

"QUIT YER BITCHING YOU LITTLE (censored material that shouldn't be heard)! I got two chapters until I was dubbed "crazy as shit" then thrown in the loony bin!"

"Sh-shut up Swart! At least I don't kill my own children!"

"At least I have a child!"

"Daddy!"

SMACK!

"Shut up Veil! Daddy's talking!"

**LATER…**

FerretWARLORD sat around, looking at the five other authors he just decided to throw into the story, and then a sudden thought hit him.

"Oh f(bleep)." The ferret face palmed. "Completely forgot about im!" Pulling out a cell phone the ferret searched through his contact until he came to the number that was titled "Twilly" and pressed talk. There was ringing for a second, then some beasts answered with a "hello?".

"Twiiiillly! Whaaaazzzuuupp?!" There was an equally loud "whaaaazzzuuup" that came from the phone. "Hey! I was wonderin' if you wanted to come down an-"

Before he could answer two red furred paws shot out of the phone and hugged the mustelid, to his surprise, and said,

"I love you man! No homo right?"

"Uh, sure? How the fu-" Before the ferret could answer the beasts cut him off.

"Shut up and back away." The ferret dropped the phone and the squirrel yelped in pain.

"OW! FU-UCK DUDE! I SAID _BACK AWAY _NOT _F(BLEEPING) DROP IT!" _

"Sorry." Then, to the ferret surprise, a red squirrel climbed out of the speakers of his phone! And god damn did he have the biggest ears! The ferret couldn't help but snicker.

"What? You have a problem with my ears pal?" The squirrel unshouldered his quarter staff and glared at the mustelid, who held his paws up in a sign of peace. And before the ferret could even explain what he meant to do, guess who waltzed up and slapped the squirrel drunkenly!

SMAP!

"Th- BRRRRAAAAAP!-thats for my uncle you purple people eater! Hehehe- MEEEEEEEP!" The drunken stoat was flung sky high, smashing into the table of a skipper and his otters, ruining their poker game. They all had black leather jackets and their hair was slicked back.

Skipper shot up from his chair and roared,

"GET THAT JOCK!" And in a second a legitimate 50's bar fight was in session, complete with switch blades and chairs being smashed into people! The red squirrel, Twilly, laughed madly as he flung his daggers and smashed otters and ferrets left and right with his staff, saying,

"Hahahaha! NOW THIS is a fanfiction!" Then everything went suddenly dead quiet, and every single beast stared at the squirrel, who looked around, confused.

"What?" He asked. One of the beasts, the greaser skipper, yelled,

"HE BROKE THE _FOURTH WALL_!" And everyone gasped. No one has ever done that in the history of- oh wait, its been done a f(bleep) load of times! :D

So basically everyone shrugged and the madness continued until every one was basically dead, except, of course, for the five authors and that big eared squirrel. Panting, Lustig looked over at Otter, who was at the moment nursing his ripped off tail.

"Ey Otter, do you ever wonder when he'll eventually get bored of writing the st-

(data expunged)

Access main?

(access denied)

Access main power grid?

(access denied)

Access main program grid?

ACCESS DENIED

ACCESS DENIED

ACCESS DENIED

ACCESS DENIED

(annoying picture of a big headed Dennis Nedry pops up)

"Ah ah ah! You didn't say the magic word! Ah ah ah! You didn't say the magic word!"

Arnold slammed his fist onto the desk, screaming,

"GOD DAMN IT NEDRY!"

**And so my friends I hit off the end of Cooking With Cluny with a jurassic park refrence! ya! And I'm sorry if your saddened that I'm ending this story, I really am, but hell, I got Twillythemorgan in this! He's been begging to be put in this story for SSSOOOOO LONG! I finally got around to it! **

**I now give you the credits so you can give credit to all the authors put in the story. **

_**Vrel- the broad sword squirrel that helped me rebuild the station. **_

_**Kegusaran 14 (or kegs)- The silver dagger throwing fox who was my first guest back when I could type. **_

_**Eulalia- I don't even know if he exists on fanfiction anymore, put he was nice reviewer. He was the long patrol capitan!**_

_**SpiderMilkShake- Smexy weasel maid**_

_**Lustig Morder- Drunk stoat**_

_**Weirdone17- the otter who friggin lost his tail**_

_**Twillythemorgan- Big eared red squirrel who I just put in the story**_

_**FresianRoses- The only horse besides the one in the first book in a redwall story**_

_**ALL OTHER CHARACTERS WERE EITHER MINE OR BELONGED TO BJ! **_


End file.
